
Let’s face it: when businesses tell us they can’t get something as simple as a check to someone in less than five days, it’s hard to take them seriously. After all, if a lawyer with a mischievous streak can figure out how to get snake venom to Pakistan in under 24 hours, surely a business can figure out how to send a payment on time.
So, without further ado, here’s a five-step guide to getting that precious venom delivered faster than your accountant can process payroll.
1. Use a Courier Service (The DHL Special)
When it comes to speed, you can’t go wrong with a global courier service like DHL or FedEx. Snake venom might sound like a “highly suspicious package,” but as long as it’s packaged properly, labeled as a biological or hazardous material (yes, there’s paperwork, but it’s worth it), these courier services can have it on a plane within hours.
With express shipping, it’ll be in Pakistan by the next day. If they can do this for venom, why can’t someone get a check from Point A to Point B without a week of excuses?
2. Hop on a Commercial Flight (Human Courier Style)
If you need something done right, do it yourself. Find the next flight heading to Pakistan, buy a ticket for yourself (or someone you trust), and carry the venom in your checked or carry-on luggage (again, follow hazardous material guidelines).
Sure, it might seem extreme, but you’ll be sipping airport coffee while your venom zips through the skies, reaching its destination before most businesses can even approve a simple wire transfer.
3. Cockpit Delivery Service (When Air Crews Get Crafty)
For truly urgent deliveries, some airlines offer special cargo services where the package is handed directly to the cockpit crew. With the right connections and a well-placed phone call, your snake venom could be sitting snugly next to a pilot’s lunch bag, ready for takeoff.
This method might require a bit of sweet-talking (or a hefty fee), but it’s lightning-fast. Pro tip: try explaining this to a business that claims mailing a check in less than a week is “logistically impossible.”
4. Military Airlift (Because Nothing Says Urgent Like Cargo Jets)
When all else fails, call in the big guns—literally. Governments and certain organizations have access to military airlift services that can transport high-priority items anywhere in the world.
Sure, you might need to convince a general or two that your snake venom is a matter of international importance, but hey, stranger things have happened. Bonus points if you manage to get the venom delivered faster than Corporate HQ can “approve the payment request.”
5. Charter a Private Jet (Go Full Hollywood)
If money isn’t an issue, chartering a private jet is the ultimate move. Forget waiting for commercial flights or dealing with courier services—just load the venom onto a private plane and have it flown directly to Pakistan. Fast, luxurious, and absurdly efficient. Plus, it gives you an excellent comeback the next time someone says, “Checks take time to process.”
Final Thoughts
Conclusion? If snake venom can traverse continents in less than 24 hours, then businesses have no excuse for slow payments. Time to take some notes, folks. But if you still feel like you need help with your payment options, it’s best to contact your bank and get the payments sorted at the earliest.